Thursday, July 25, 2019

Who is Log Home Mom?

As my page grows, my reach grows, my interaction grows but with that growth also comes negativity. Not all people have followed my story so they have no true idea of who I am. They just see me, seemingly put together and think I am lucky. Let me tell you luck has nothing to do with who I am.....

I was born to two parents who had no idea how to love. They were selfish and unmotivated. From the time I can remember anything at all, my dad was an alcoholic and my mom a tyrant.

Let’s talk about my dad first. He was a handsome man out of the military. Conceded, talented beyond belief. He could play any instrument, sing, draw, paint, fix any broken piece of furniture to look new again.

 But as I said he was an alcoholic. At first functioning. As the years went by he became scary when he drank. He choked me once trying to show me military moves. I thought I was dying. He beat me. And as time went on, he became unrecognizable. He finally died in 2017 at 69 of the one thing he worshiped. Alcohol.

Now let’s talk about my mom, from the time I could remember I was afraid of her. I couldn’t make noises, I couldn’t go out and play. She would beat me and duct tape my mouth and push me under a bar putting stools in front of me. She slept until 2 most days. 

She beat me, she screamed, she was someone anyone who knew her was afraid of her. Later in life she would do better on meds. Almost pleasant. 

But she was ugly to my girls behind my back. She talked about me and my siblings to each other and lied horribly. And then lie to cover up she got caught lying.

I was the primary housekeeper and mom to my siblings. I truly was a slave.
I had two aunts that tried to get my parents to let me come live with them.
I had school officials see the bruises, cuts and marks on me and do nothing. I had friends and their parents know and do nothing.

Under their care I was raped and molested countless times by five different ‘men’, starting at age 4ish and ending at age 13 (rape with both of my siblings sleeping next to me).
NO one tried to help. NO one intervened.

I honestly thought God forgot about me. I wasn’t ever mad, I just never understood what I did to be hurt over and over. Was this all there was to life on earth. Was this normal for everyone?
You can see how I changed from that adorable little girl above over those years:

I had not talked to my dad in more than 22 years when he died (found laying alone after a few days). My mom 9 years now since I have talked with her.
After a phone call with my mom one day, upset, hurting, crying, my husband says just because she isn’t hitting you doesn’t mean it’s not abuse. Something triggered at that moment for me to let go. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself or my family.

They missed out of having a relationships with not only me but my children and have never met my grandchildren. All for their own selfishness.

I didn’t know so much I was made fun of and treated horribly in school until as I look back. After all, it was all my normal. I didn’t know how to interact with other children. I didn’t know what it was like to play sports. Even teachers treated me poorly. Many thought I smoked because I reeked of cigarettes. I didn’t realize that until I was sitting in gym one day and the coach who everyone admired called me out in front of the whole class for smoking and didn’t believe me when I told him I didn’t. I had the pleasure of confront him a few years ago when he reached out to me on Facebook. He apologize profusely and told me he was now a Christian and was so sorry for making a horrific childhood even worse.

I wasn’t popular, I didn’t have nice clothes or shoes. I was lucky to get $1 a day for lunch. I would save it and eat a roll for $.10 every day and the last splurge on a salad. I couldn’t go to school events or sports. I didn’t have the products or even knowledge to fix my hair or curl it. Kids made fun of me.

At 13 the same time I was raped for the last time, my parents beat me so bad I had to wear long sleeve shirts and pants to school. They had asked the guys girlfriend who raped me if she could find out if I was on drugs. I remember clearly her asking me if I had snorted coke. Stupid pre teen innocent girl I was said yes! Thinking coke meant the drink and when the bubbles went up my nose. She apparently told my parents yes. So I came home from school one day and everything was out of my room, drawers emptied, bedding turned over and I was beaten within an inch of my life all the while them screaming at me to tell them where the drugs were. My mom all of 6’ towering over me breathing heavy and with every cry from me striking me over and over again. There was no drugs.

At 14, I took 75 aspirins (all I knew to do) and wanted to die. Nothing ever happened. I never told anyone.

There are hundreds of stories I could tell just as above. There are at least 50 episodes of sexual abuse that I won't go into detail here. My story isn't just the few lines I have written, it is ingrained in my mind, my soul and my body.

I heard worthless, hopeless, useless. To them, I was always less. It was now ingrained in my mind.

At 16 I met this handsome 18 year old. 

I was able to sneak to see him. He met me at my bus stop and took me to school. What a risk that was, I would have been beaten  if I have gotten caught. I would talk with him on the phone while my dad was passed out in the floor drunk and my mom worked nights.

He finally met my parents. It is a wonder he stayed around. They treated him poorly. Once he was over and we had fries and hamburgers. He pointed and asked my brother what was that over there, stealing a fry from his plate thinking he was funny, my dad got mad, really mad. He touched them now he had to eat them. I am sure to a 18 year old, he was not at all happy about that. But I had to hear about it for days.

We could not go anywhere unless we took my siblings. I had to beg, scared to ask but more wanting to get away just to see him. Then my siblings would come home and make up right out lies just to get me in trouble. They learned to work their magic as I took the brunt of most of the abuse.  

Finally they were going to let us marry, I was 17 1/2. We had the license they signed. They hid it. We did marry almost a month after my 18th birthday. They wouldn’t give me my title to the car I worked and paid cash for. I finally went and got a new one. They got mad after we married and didn’t talk to me for a few months. Truth is I loved and love my husband so much. But I would have married anyone. Praising God because he didn’t just let me marry anyone. I married the one!

I never went to college, I never even thought college was an option for me. We had our first little blessing just over a year after we got married. 

5 and 1/2 years later we added to our family another small blessing.

We have worked LONG and hard to the place we are now. Still working hard. But we know how blessed this one life we get is. Now as we get older I feel an urgency to enjoy every bit. We have had our troubles as a married couple and me trying to sort out all I am been through but they pale in comparison to the childhoods we both endured.
The abuse really never stopped. I just finally got stronger.

My childhood was robbed! But God tells me that all that was stolen will be replaced. In Joel 2:25 He says that he will restore the years the locus have stolen! It took me 15 years to realize who God really was. I come to have a relationship with Him clearly seeing He didn’t forget me at all, He saved me! He protected me! I should and would have been dead had He not wrapped His arms around me.
Not that I don’t still struggle, tears are streaming as I write this. I do. I wear it on my sleeves some days. I try to smile through the pain.
So who am I?

I am the little girl who grew up with no hope of a future.
I am an extreme emotional, physical and sexual abuse survivor.
I am the one who had to be a mother to my siblings and take care of a home.
I am the one who had to endure ridicule and hurt at school, them never
 knowing what I was going through at home.

I had to learn to be a wife, a mother and to love myself.
I had to teach myself to cook, can, garden, craft.
I had to let go of the hope in having parents who loved me.
I had to leave that little girl behind. But hold great admiration and love for her and all she endured.
I am now a Child of God, a grateful thankful Wife, a proud Mother and a superb Glammy!

I am a survivor!

I hit on just some of the things I have went through.
So if you think by looking into my window now that I have it good? That we travel and get to enjoy life, we do! But we didn’t get to this point without a cost. We both paid a price but Jesus paid the ultimate price. As long as I know I have a Heavenly Father that loves me and won’t abandon me, I know that the earthly one was not the one God meant for me to worship. If I can inspire and give one person hope, everything I went though was for something.
God gave me a vision many years ago, He showed me as I was standing in front of hundreds if not thousands of women ministering. Telling my story.
I have been blessed to have many women  come into my life that I have poured in to. Sometimes we see the results but I know that as long as it is for His Glory, seeing them doesn’t matter. If you or your group or church or organization would like me to speak, I would love to!
I love y’all! And thank you for taking a few moments to find out who I am.
I am His.
Peace, Love and Enjoy!
Log Home Mom

If you or anyone you know is suffering from abuse, please call 1-800-4 A CHILD


  1. Tears are falling for that little girl who suffered so much. Praises flow to our Heavenly Father for the mother and strong young woman you are. May you be blessed everyday with love and great joy. You are more than a survivor, you are a conqueror!

  2. I am so sorry you had to endure that life for so long. I had no idea. I am so glad you were delivered and blessed by God to be come the woman you are today. Keep on bringing inspiration to others the way you do.

  3. I am sorry you had to endure those things in your life. I had no idea. I am glad God delivered you and blessed you with the man He had chosen for you. Keep on inspiring others with your testimony. Thank you for being my friend.

  4. Oh I am so so sorry that you had to endure such horrible things. Thank you for Sharing and for giving others the chance to see there is hope and love out there and always believe in God. Love you beautiful girl. I am blessed to call you friend. ��

  5. I've admired you for so long but honestly I admire you so much more now. You are truly an amazing lady who shows what true strength, faith and grace looks like. Lovd you so much LHM!

  6. I've been following for a few years and I just love everything you post, I was looking threw Facebook this evening and followed a post over to here. God bless you, you're inspiring and I cried!!! God is great and you're an amazing soul!

    1. Thank you so much for the kind words.
      I am bless that God has called me to share my story. And super blessed when I hear how my story has touched you.
      Thank you for being here. xoxoxox

  7. Your story is so powerful (even though I was crying reading most of it!) and you are so brave to share your story. I feel blessed to have met you and look forward to traveling with you (yay Scentsy!)

    1. AHHHHHH Thank you so much. It has been a journey that is for sure. See you soon ;)

  8. I feel there are more like you than not. It is very sad a childhood is taken from you. And what a wonderful choice you have made to do better and end the cycle. I wouldnt pay too much attention to the negatives. You know and anyone who reads can see. I just found your page on facebook. I look forward to seeing your posts

  9. I've been following you for a while because I like your posts but I had no idea of your story. I'm so sorry for the hardship and abuse you had to endure. I was raised by two loving (but strict) parents so it is hard to relate. So glad you were able to overcome and become a loving wife and parent/grandparent with your faith stronger than ever.

    1. Thank you so much, I'm thrilled you had a loving home.

  10. I just started following you a few days ago- thank you for sharing your story! It's easy to look at someone and think they have it all, it's much harder to realize and empathize with the very real struggles that someone had to go through and overcome to get to where they are. Congratulations on what you guys have accomplished- it is no small thing

    1. Thank you Carrie, I think we could all learn a few things about judgment. welcome to my page ;)

  11. One thing I realized is when you go through things like you have, you can be a witness to others who are going through it. That's what I have done . My life changed at 15 yo when Mom died. Then God told me what was going to happen to me when my dad was standing at the doorway. I had a choice to say yes or no. I was scared of my dad. My sister and brother were away in college. It was just us. I thought he would kill me if I refused. I didn't want to die so I let him. I was told not to tell anyone and didn't until my senior year in college. I tried to understand why. The only thing I could come up with is that just because your mate dies doesn't mean your sexual desires die. What made it worse. My dad was a minister. I pray that he would remarry to leave me alone. I prayed for a hooker. God answered my prayers and 16 months after mom died, he remarried. He never touch me again. The sad part is that latter on in life when I confronted him. He denied that he did anything. I found out that almost ALL denies it. How they can forget, I still don't understand. God did tell me that you have only one earthly mom and dad. I was never real close to dad after that but I kept in communication with him cause the bible says honor your father and mother. I realized that I didn't have to be best buddies with him. Personally, I think he remembered. He died in 2010 and he didn't die alone. I was with him. My step mom went to bed. I took a hymn book and from page 1 to the end of the book, I sang every hynn I knew to him. He died in peace and I can live with that. As you said, we are Survivals. God Bless You and give you peace!!!

    1. I am so sorry for what you had to endure. And so very proud of you for overcoming such horrific abuse. May you be blessed, much love xoxoxox

  12. I just started following you, from some comments you made on some pages I follow. Today, I clicked on your link and read your story. We have pretty similar stories. It was hard reading yours and not cry. I remember being that little girl. I remember struggling as a preteen. I remember my self hatred. I was a bit luckier than you, in the sense of I was adopted by strong Christian parents when I was 14. They taught me my worth and how to forgive. Later when I met my husband, he helped me heal the rest of my wounds that were still there, but buried so deep. My mom once asked me, "if you could go back in time and change anything, would you?" My answer to her was quick and without hesitation. No. My reasons are I am who I am because of my past. I'm a better wife, a better mother, a better sister, a better daughter, a better friend. Each person, whether the impact was good or not, shaped me into the strong person I am today. And I firmly believe that I needed to be molded into this person to be strong for my children in this day and age. Thank you for sharing your story. And from one survivor to another...God loves and blesses you. Even when you think he's not there, he's wrapping his arms around you tightly and praying right along with you.

    1. Thank you so much, he has blessed me in so many ways.

  13. I went through similar issues. I'm 57 years old and never talk to anyone about what I've lived through and in many ways still do. Like you I have a wonderful husband now (my 2nd) and we are happy despite the fact that life has thrown us some very unfair curve balls. Without God in my life I'm sure that I would not still be here. Thank you for sharing your story and for blessing us with your strength and courage. I enjoy your posts very much.

    1. I appreciate it so much. I am so glad you are here.

  14. Wow! So sorry for all the abuse you had growing up. Thank you for telling your story and it’s not an easy one to tell. You are brave and beautiful . Thank you and special blessings to you and your family!

  15. LHM thank you for your story. My husband was the first one to hug me and love me at 16. It's almost 50 years now. But he has also limited my personal growth. It's lonely and he's always squashed any effort I put forth to have friends or to have any fun.My parents neglected me and he smothered me until I am afraid of people. I am only who I was meant to be on the computer. It's been strange becoming agoraphobic. Maybe if I hadn't had disabling accident 30 years ago I would have been better. He's possessive bc he never had anyone either on emotional level,a true loner. But he takes care of me and we've fumbled our way along. I regret the many times I have in to his reasons for not doing things normal people do, like going somewhere besides down the street to see family. If he or my boys even make a comment about something I do that isn't more or less people perfect, it still haunts me. He once criticized my office voice and after that I have been subconscious about speaking at all! Guess that is why I write long posts. Logically it doesn't add up. I put myself through college full-time (with highest honors) while working government job fulltime with two toddlers. I have borderline genius IQ. My childhood problem of "if I was good enough..." is still there. It's just too late and useless to fight for what I want, I think of something I want and the least resistance and I just think it's not worth it, especially as I get older. I don't think many of us get through childhood without scars. Yours sound very difficult but you have a survivor attitude! Glad you have a good husband and God's blessings. I do too but in my way I know I don't let go of control enough. I'm glad to know you even a little. Survive and thrive LHM!

    1. Awww bless you Barbara, I am so sorry you too have struggle with a lifetime of pain. This is not something we can ever completely conquer. I have found a way to express and help but it still hurts every day. There are still days I pray loud and through tear filled eyes. But i know if I can help one person, that is why. Sending a BIG hug ;)

  16. I felt I was reading my life story as so many similarities. I’m glad you survived and found sanctuary in a good life with your loving husband and children. I went thru a first marriage young to get away from home life and tried to make it work. We had two beautiful children but I could not subject them to the same childhood I had so I left and divorced him and found my independence. I wasn’t looking for love as I was content in my life I had but God steps in when you aren’t looking and put a man in my life that not only loves me, he loved my children as his own. We have been married for 36 years this coming March, blessed with 6 wonderful grandchildren. I have a few siblings that didn’t get out of that vicious cycle, as the oldest I tried to help them but soon learned you can’t help those that don’t want to be helped. I finally learned I had to let go of the guilt, the anger and bitterness. One thing my children and grandchildren know is that they are loved and wanted! I was determined to break the cycle in my life, it is still an internal struggle within myself to feel worthy…mental abusive words linger and creates self doubt. Then you look around at all the good you were apart of creating and realize the words are just words! I am now 65 and facing retirement with hubby, we both like and love each other! We don’t live off the grid but have acreage and garden with chickens. I find less is more and simple is soothing to my soul. I follow you on Facebook and great fun to have found your blog, it does help people feel like they aren’t alone and there is hope!

  17. Thank you for sharing your story. It is difficult to understand how people can be so cruel, but I know there are many more than we want to admit!!! I had a somewhat difficult childhood, although nowhere near as harrowing as sexual abuse, but physical and emotional. I know my parents loved me, and I loved them, but they were very overprotective and strict, and I never really felt that I fit in at school until about the 10th grade. I couldn't use makeup, wear hose, go to parties or ball games, or date until I was 16. Luckily, I married a wonderful man who has given me a delightful life, and my parents loved him so our last years were pretty good, as far as our parent-daughter relationship goes. My growing relationship with Christ enabled me to forgive them for a lot, and to move forward with life.

    Your story is a marvelous testimony to the powerful way in which God can restore and reshape one's life for the better!!! :) <3

  18. My heart aches for little you! I'm in awe at the life you live. You are a child of a king, we are family. Thank you for sharing. I pray this life is nothing but cherries but, that's not realistic. But, really I hope your cup overflows with joy and peace beyond understanding. Today and always.

  19. My heart aches for all you went through and still struggle with. Knowing though how many through your story will be saved heal that ache. You are a brave warrior that god put here to help others. 💖

  20. I too am that little girl… that is a tough life for a kid!!
    People just don’t have a clue what some of us have endured and can’t come close to even imagining.
    You are a great inspiration to many.

  21. My story is eerily similar to yours except my father wasn't an alcoholic, my step dad was and my father was a child predator who raped me and many others. I endured abuse from all of them and had to maintain the house and take care of my siblings. My youngest siblings are a set of fraternal twins who called me mom until I left home after getting punched by my stepdad for the last time at 14. I left home. I became involved with a man who was 28 right after my 15th birthday. I thought he would protect me. He was abusive in every way. A few years after I left him at 20 I met another man who I regrettably married after 4 years. He also became abusive then 11 years after marrying him I found out he was molesting my daughters. I'm still trying to heal and a lot of memories I had blocked from all of the trauma I endured have began resurfacing since both of my parents passed away last year. Its been extremely difficult to go through. I was engaged to a man not too long ago who does truly love me, but I was manipulated by someone and I believed that person and left the man who loves me. It has taken me months to realize it and I couldn't have come to that conclusion except once I mentioned it to my therapist she told me she suspected it months ago. I deeply hurt the man and I'm trying to fix our bond. Please pray for this little girl and the woman she became too. I'm trying to heal, just not sure how. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm thinking of writing a book. Just difficult to process the trauma as I write.

  22. Reading your storywe have similar things in common. Growing up you always think your the only one dealing with the things happening. As I get older, I'm finding out it is not the case. Sadly there are so many of us..But God. So thankful that God chose us. He loves us. Thank you for sharing your story.

  23. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you had to endure that and thank you for using your experience to help others. Our stories are not that unalike, maybe I will write that book yet. 😉

  24. Thank you for sharing your story. I was sexually abused by my stepfather for years. I at the time I thought I was the only one in the world who had to go through something like that. It was very lonely always “acting” like everything was OK. When I finally got brave enough to tell my mother she didn’t believe me. I ran away and spent the last 2 years of high school with my dad. The scars ran deep. Being a Christian I have tried forgiving. Years later I had a renewed relationship with my mother. I knew to have that I had to pretend that nothing had ever happened. I had to endure being around my step father. He “pretended” that he was a good guy. I prayed that someday he would say “I’m sorry”, but that never happened. He is dead now and I have a good relationship with my mother. It still hurts that she never believed me and now I am her caretaker. This past Sunday our pastor gave a sermon on forgiveness. There were so many good points in his sermon. One was that forgiveness is not dependent upon on the perpetrator asking for forgiveness. I don’t think I’m all the way there yet but I’m working on it. LHM your testimony has helped.