Mother’s should be honored. At least those who have shown what a mother should be, joyous, selfless and loving. But they should be honored every day, not a set day through the year that brings profit to greeting card companies, florists and big box retailers.
Unfortunately, Mother’s Day to me it is a reminder of the hurt, the selfishness and the lovelessness that I had from my own mother and now, my mil. I grew up with a mother that has never loved herself, so she had no love for her kids. Only anger, hate and hostility. That showed it’s head every single day, maybe even every moment. I can not think of a day with her that was ideal or ever tolerable. I was afraid most every day of my life. I think she felt better about herself with the extreme physical abuse, ugly (detestable) words (emotional abuse) and silent treatment she showed. How could someone who has never been happy make sure their kids are happy? What kind of an example is that. Unfortunately none. And it took it’s toil on me, still does.
I have always envied daughters who speak so highly of their moms. I would have loved to have been one of those daughters and I tried so hard it nearly destroyed me and my family. I even thought I could substitute my own mother with my husband’s. She was never kind to me, and after years, I think I grew to accept it. Even embrace it and with all of that even replace my own mom with her. But in the last couple of years, the ugliness got almost too much to bear. I would come home after seeing her and just cry. I would tell my husband, her son, how she behaved or treated me and he questioned over and over why I continued to even entertain her. Now I can see, I just wanted a mom to love me. Any mom.
There was a period that only me and my girls visited, included her and loved her. Now for some reason that has all changed, everyone else is coming around. Since my FIL was dying, it all imploded and we all saw it for what it was. A one sided love. She always joked when she was with one of us kids or grandkids that we were her favorite. We now know that is certainly true for some but not others. I recently found out that my oldest daughter was told a few times that her oldest son and granddaughter was really her favorites because they are the oldest, very matter of fact. Who tells a granddaughter that? Yes we made excuses, we ignored, but it was still there. The ugliness, the person that she always said she never wanted to be (her mother) was coming from the one woman who loathed that. So now here we sit, a son who was abandoned all over again, her granddaughters and I who talked to her almost daily, saw her at least monthly, all hurting.
Despite of all this, I don’t want them to be a reflection of me. I want to be the mother I always deserved but never got. I fail, I know. But I love them so dearly. Thinking about the women my daughter’s have become makes my heart swell. I truly believe God gave me these examples so I could be everything they are not.
So this Mother’s Day, in spite of the hurt and ugliness that has been shown to me and my girls through our mother’s, I want to focus on being a mother to my girls and the many others who have come into our lives through scouts, soccer and our daughter’s friends. I want to show others that no matter what, you can be everything you didn’t have. You can break the cycle. You are a survivor and warrior.
Peace, Love and Enjoy this amazing day